While I embrace aspects of my unique story, there have been some I’ve minimized or felt hesitant to share.
Right now, I’m embracing and embodying my wild feminine unfiltered expression and so I felt it was important to share more about being a single mom and why I choose to be single and what it’s like to explore dating and relating and love.
I get asked on dates, which is cool! I’m not “dating”…I don’t do the online dating apps. I have in the past! I’m just not into the online dating scene that way.
I’ve always attracted men easily, without trying. Whether they are the right men for me is a whole other matter.
You could feel offended and think “that’s arrogant.” Or you could say, ”you go girl!”…confident woman.
One question I get asked from men who express interest is, “why are you still single?”
I’ve been a single mom now for 10 years, from the beginning.
My son was a big surprise! I was leaving a man, had moved out, and 2 weeks later, BOOM…”you’re pregnant” at my routine naturopath appointment.
I wanted my baby. I felt it with my whole body. He was mine.
The transition to single motherhood was a tough one for me. Now I know that’s how I imagined it. I left the big city I loved to come back to my hometown, trying to work midnight shifts with a 1-year-old, and came home from those to take care of him. I was in a downward spiral with my physical and emotional health.
Then a knight in shining armor rode up on his big white horse and wanted to help me. I wanted help. I wanted to escape. I wanted to be saved.
I picked up and left everything I knew. I went on an adventure to another country, got married, immigrated and my daughter comes from that brief union.
It lasted a year. I left and came back home.
My story is not conventional. I don’t share my children half the time with their fathers. I don’t have every other weekend away from my kids.
So, why am I still single?
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I’m still single because I choose to be.
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I’m single because I have high standards.
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I prioritize being the best mom and loving woman I can be.
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I prioritize my kids.
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I value honesty.
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I do go on dates sometimes. I’m highly selective at this point in my life.
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I’m really good at being on my own.
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I have a past history with love and relationships that has taught me so much about myself so that most of the time I just want to be by myself.
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I’ve learned how important my time, space, and energy is. It’s the absolute most important.
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I’ve learned I’m enough exactly as I am because I’m God having the adventure of a lifetime.
There is also something else I’ve uncovered.
I do desire love. I’m human.
I do desire intimacy and closeness and amazing sex.
I’m done denying those desires and letting my “story” do violence to those desires.
So over the past 8 months, I’ve opened my heart to love again and here are a few lessons I’ve learned from my experiences:
Stop forcing connections
Stopping the force the moment I notice myself doing it has been the greatest liberation for me in all things, love, connection, dating, and relating. I mean that especially in relationship and how that translates; not forcing connections.
I have moments where I feel frustrated and wish if only I had known and understood this 15 years ago or 10 years ago or 7 years ago, the heartache it would have saved.
BUT
I had to go through a lot to get to this point of finally knowing not to force connections.
Sometimes you gotta go through it and learn it that way.
Here is a fundamental truth:
We don't get love. We don't have to find love. We don't have to convince somebody to love us or accept us. We don't have to force that, right?
We don't.
We ARE love. All we have to do is surrender to it. That's where the flow is and how that can really help translate into relationships, any kind of relationship. I've experienced this with dating. I've experienced this with my ex husband and other significant relationships.
So the following is all about how surrender and flow can be applied to love and connection and why this sets you free.
Attraction Does not Mean High Quality Relationship
Sometimes we have that really strong attraction to someone and it’s those feelings of “WOW,” you’ve never felt this way about anyone, there is just something about this person that you can’t quite put your finger on. It’s this really indescribable attraction.
Here's just a suggestion: That might almost be a little bit of a warning or caution to be careful because sometimes when we feel that indescribable attraction to someone, it could be (not in all cases) a toxic attachment style.
A toxic attachment can be learned from childhood, what we saw and absorbed from our parents or other modeled relationships.
We can get addicted to the highs and the lows; the highs of when we get that really intense attention and love, and the dips of the time in between; the time where that love and attention is not felt, there's distance, there's pulling away, this ebb and flow rather than a stable invitation to love that is there all the time.
It’s that intention of being loving all the time. That comes from within...
I explore different states of being and one that I explore is being a Cherished Woman. What does that look like? How does that feel?
Cherished woman can be very practical in terms of wearing a beautiful coat or
luxurious fabrics, buying yourself flowers, taking a relaxing bubble bath, dancing sensually or touching your body in a loving way.
Cherishing yourself can also be setting internal and external boundaries.
Here’s a personal example from a man that I was dating. I felt really attracted to him, but the communication was poor as more time went by. The truth was I was overvaluing him and idealizing him because of the strong attraction, and as a result, I felt undervalued. The same amount of value and attention was not being reciprocated and I kept feeling it. That's where the frustration comes in when we notice that contrast and are overvaluing someone and they are undervaluing us.
How I cherished myself in this situation was I spoke my truth and I set some boundaries. I had been holding back on that and that was very simply saying, “listen, this is what I require from you in terms of behavior."
If I ask a direct question, for example, “I'm going to be in your city on this particular day, can you get time away, even a couple hours for lunch to see me?”
If that person then doesn't respond at all or get back to you in a timely way, that's a clear indication that they're not interested or invested in the same way or they don't value your energy or your time.
I have learned how important simple, direct, and honest communication is at any stage of knowing someone, whether that is early on in dating or in an established partnership. I am sure so many would agree that communication is vital.
When that's not being met for me I feel it in my body. Pay attention to the cues in your body. I had to communicate that this is what I require and also realize no matter how many times you ask a question or set a boundary, it doesn't mean that person is going to answer the question, answer it in the way you want, or respect the boundary.
You cherish yourself by upholding the boundary. This means, when they come back, don’t let them back in! Don’t allow them to come back in and keep repeating the same pattern and treatment. I wrote another blog post about tips for difficult communication, and it explores setting boundaries.
Self-Value: It’s not WHO - It’s YOU
When we're dating and relating it's actually not about who it is, it's about you.
Of course we have a checklist of qualities that we're looking for, and as we're getting to know somebody we're checking off the boxes. We’re realizing they have this (great smile) and that (intelligence) and it's going well. You may start imagining a future together.
SLOW DOWN! PAY ATTENTION! BRING THE FOCUS BACK TO YOU AND TO YOUR EXPERIENCE.
How do you experience yourself when you are relating with this person. Does it satisfy your desires for what you really want? Don't gloss over that because it's exciting and you've met somebody new and then sometimes we can overlook things.
Ask yourself these questions:
What do I want to see?
What do I want to hear from this person?
What do I want to feel?
How do I want to feel after a conversation? How do I want to be touched?
All of that is your sensual experience.
Don't get into your head of figuring out: Is it this person? Is it going to work out this time?
When we get into our heads, we start forcing.
Bring it back to you and your experience. Don’t lose yourself and the things that make you happy. Keep investing in yourself, in your passions, in your hobbies, in your other relationships.
Self valuing is putting yourself first.
I teach sensuality. I teach how to treat yourself like a goddess and a cherished woman so you don't need someone to do that for you. When you can tap into your feminine energy and your flow, you become magnetic and authentic and this attracts the same - this attracts what and who is FOR YOU.
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Who am I?
I'm a multi-dimensional human being whose mission is to live 'outside of the box', show others it’s possible, and raise awareness of the taboos and shame that exists in our society. My background is that of a nurse, holistic coach, yogi, dancer, mother, plant medicine explorer, and new author. I'm passionate about giving permission to men and women to release shame, bypass anxiety, be moved to make waves, come home to stillness, and BE RADIANT.